For days I’ve been waking up with this strange feeling inside of me that I couldn’t seem to put a pin on, I couldn’t figure out if it was a good or bad feeling, if it was a glad one or a sad one. I felt confused yet calm, when it suddenly hit me, I was happy, something I’ve never felt before so it was unfamiliar territory, no wonder I didn’t recognize it. I was thinking of all my memories over the past 3 years, moments that at the time seemed to be so small and meaningless, yet meant something huge later on when mentally going through them, images rushing by the speed of light right infront of me, as a beautiful and tragic dream, in vivid colors as I was reliving each one of them. Most of them brought joy but some brought sorrow, I felt as my heart cringed when thinking of some of them, made me think if I should had acted differently in certain situations, handled it in a better way, but in the moment didn’t. Once the pictures rushed by I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, I decided to finally let go of the past, and in that moment I felt pure bliss running through my veins, like a wave, I didn’t see it coming and happiness crashed over me and washed everything away, all the darkness was gone and I was left with nothing but peace. I was at peace with myself, I was light as a feather and in a state of mind that was soothing. I erased moments that only brought blue emotiones, I forgave everyone I ever held a grudge against because of several reasons, things they might have done or said at one point. I realized, I wasn’t mad at them anymore, I spent so much energy on holding on to somthing or someone, instead of just letting it free, I let it rot inside of me, when I should had just thrown it away. All of it was just nagging me from the inside and sooner or later it would thad turned me into this bitter person filled with nightmares, haunted by voices and pictures of moments I had wished I could forget, so why wait until that? Why wait until I’m on the edge to fall when I could deal with it now? Take care of my inner demons, fight with them and everyone I was mad at for whatever reason and that’s what I did, as I forgave them, I let them free. I don’t want to hate anyone nor did I ever, I wasn’t even mad, I was disappointed in certain people. But I still forgave them, even if they’ll know or not, that’s a whole other thing, but I needed to do this, for me, for my sake, for my health, body and soul. And now, I’m happy, I’m not holding grudges, I’m not mad at anyone and I’m greatful for all my memories throughout my life, they made me stronger, grow and wiser.
Now, for the people I forgave, I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be able to look at them the same way I used to, obviously in my eyes they’ve changed, as if they now were strangers, like looking into their eyes and not recognizing them, not seeing the person I once used to. And as sad as it sounds, it doesn’t affect me, either we get to know each other from square one or they’ll be someone I used to know. Passing them by on the streets, smile to myself and think of our good times we shared and then walk away with just that and it’ll be enough for me, to know we had those joyful moments. I don’t wanna complicate it, make it harder. There’s two options, or we start over or we leave it there, there is no in-between. I did my part, I forgave, I’m giving it another go, if the new round doesn’t work out, there’s isn’t much more I can do about it. But I’ll know I tried. <3