Several ones around me, those who truly know me as a person, knows the one thing I don’t nor barely can do is talking about feelings, especially my own feelings, I simply am not a person who opens up my heart to others, but I can put into words and write/type it down, it’s 10 x easier than me having someone sitting infront of me listening. This way, I can take my time when telling something, I don’t get the sympathy look, and I don’t get someone talking back. I’ve never been one to tell how I feel, why I feel the way I do or tell what’s going on in my life, unless it’s something exciting, but when it’s something sad, something that makes me feel as I’m in a greyzone, and don’t have everything clear as black and white and with no clue where to go, instead of reaching out, I close up like a clam and shut myself off from the outside world. I’m not the emotional type to air out my dirty laundry, it won’t remove the stains. So I either try to find a solution to it mysef or just put it way back in my head and try to forget about it. But now I decided to actually tell something, I felt as if I don’t soon get this out of me, I will explode, the ache in my chest just keeps growing and getting hard to cope with. You know that burning sensation when you’re about to cry, you feel everything inside you just is ready to burst out but the more you try to keep it in or not cry, the more your chest and eyes hurt, I’ve now reached that point.
For about 10 years now the relationship to my father has changed, and though it didn’t go from night to day, it still feels like a drastic change that he’s now not part of my life. We went from being so close to now, not talking to each other, to if I see him on the subway, I wait and take the next one to not run into him.
A while ago he called me and told me something a father should never tell their own child, I think. That he didn’t want me as a daughter anymore, that he wasn’t my father and to never call him again. And even though I wasn’t suprised because how we’d been lately, it still left me gasping for air, sure we hadn’t got along well these past years as much as I would had want to, but never in my wildest and darkest nightmare had I seen that one coming, and it left me completely out of words, and he kept talking that I just froze up and told him ‘Bye’ and hung up. He was dragging out the conversation and I felt that I didn’t want to listen to the end of it, why hear all that when he had said what he wanted? I thought there was no point in hearing the rest, if he opens up the conversation with saying what he said, why continue listening? In that moment it didn’t make sense. It took a while, days, weeks and even until today hasn’t it sunk in yet, I wan’t to believe it’s a long nightmare I can’t wake up from and we’ll talk soon.
When little, I would brag about having the most amazing, caring, loving, fun dad and now it’s like he is complete new person, like he and his demons are on the same now and he turned into this dark, lost and twisted person who’s heartless and made of stone with no care.
I would always think of the day I would get married, and he’d give me away, or see him as a grandfather playing with my kids the same way he played and had fun with me when I was just a kid, and now knowing that will never happen, brings me such sorrow you can’t imagine, such deep and cutting pain at the very bottom of my soul.
But even though he said that, I will remember our times together, my childhood memories, our laughs, tight hugs and moments of joy. I will look at home made videos and pictures from years ago and remember him as the father and person he was then, not whom he has become. I will always love him, always keep him in my heart and appreciate what he did for me when growing up, how supportive he was, how he always was there for me, how he wiped my tears away when I was sad. And from now, I will always wonder where he is, if he’s okay and doing well, and the thought of something happening to him and live without knowing breaks my heart, but I guess that’s how he wants it now.
I’m gonna stop now, it’s all becoming a blur thanks to the tears that are soon about to run down my cheeks but yet I feel lighter, I needed to do this, I guess in a way,this is me letting go..
“I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love.”